I let a lot of things slide as far as hockey items are concerned. Lord knows I buy enough stupid things. And some of the items in the store are things that would look kind of cool in a bar during one drunken night.

 

But there are other things. Other things.

 

Great American Products NHL Shamrock Flask

 

 

 

Completely disregarding that it kind of boggles the mind for the NHL to brand a product with a stereotype – look, a shamrock! Irish people love drinking! – it seems like poor marketing to try to sell something that’s completely unrelated to any of the 30 teams in the NHL. Unless you’re trying to market this to whatever team Pat Quinn happens to be coaching.

 

Maybe I’m missing some key information about the demographic here. Maybe there are a lot of Irish people who love hockey and throwing back a shot. But even then, are a lot of hockey fans out there scrambling to throw away their money on something with (a) a shamrock; and (b) an NHL logo? Why don’t I just sign up for my t-shirt with the NHLPA logo, too?

 

And don’t miss its sister product: the Great American Products NHL Shamrock Tankard And Shot Set.

 

34 bucks? Are you kidding me? It better come with a shot of Grey Goose if you’re expecting me to pay that much.

 

---

Wincraft Vancouver Canucks 5 qt. Bucket

 

 

 

There are two reasons why this made me laugh.

 

1. It’s a bucket. Who buys a bucket with their team’s logo? The only way I could see this being even remotely useful is if it held ice and beer. Or if I were a Flames fan and wanted to take a very vindictive shit.

 

2. Until I googled it, I thought that this was a golf ball bucket. And golfing is just the thing I want to associate with my team. Again.

 

---

Hunter Vancouver Canucks Fan Zone Floor Sign

 

 

What really sells this is the awesome flashing yellow light. Let that be a warning to you all!

 

If at all possible, it’s even cheesier than the Building the Dream poster the Canucks put out in 95, as the Garage was being built.
Or they complete each other.

---

Dreamseats Vancouver Canucks Leather Recliner

 

 

Look, it’s kind of nice. I stress kind of. It’s the kind of furniture that you admire in someone else’s home.

 

Officially licensed NHL® Dreamseats team themed leather recliners add style and comfort to any home or establishment. Dreamseats are made with top grain dyed leather, equipped with two conveniently located cup holders, and have a ‘Wallaway’ feature that reclines just inches away from the wall.

 

Okay, Ikea this is not. I don’t know how true their claim is, but it doesn’t look stylish or comfortable to me. But I’m not a fan of leather recliner to begin with.

 

Sure the chair screams “I’m the ultimate fan!” Is it the logo? Is it the blue-and-grey with what appears to be a maroon trim, relics of the WCE years? Is it the cupholder, keeping your alcohol so conveniently within reach so you can get drunk when they blow yet another lead?

 

No, it’s the price tag. Because on sale it costs $1079.99 CAD.

 

Which by itself screams “I’m a dumbass!”

 

Its sale price can get you quite a nice little half-season ice pak and as many $8 White Spot burgers as you can keep down. For the full price of $1779.99, you can get season tickets with cash left over for parking.

 

Well, keep trying, guys. Be the little engine that could!

 

---

And last, but not least, a product so stupid it needs no introduction.

 

‘Mark Messier: Leader, Champion, Legend’ DVD.

After taking a break (for various reasons) from stick in rink, I return to find…

 

What the shit is this?

 

The Canucks miss the playoffs by a meltdown, playing themselves out of the 8th seed with horrible performances and with the ghost of Luongo in net.

 

The final game against Calgary, when they were already out of the hunt, ended in 7-1, but with a touching gesture by the fans and even Jarome Iginla. Trev’s last game? Don’t even talk to me about that.

 

I wondered: What will Nonis do now? The boy and I came up with our wish lists saying, “This is your last chance, Dave, don’t fuck up.”

 

Oops! He already had his last chance, according to Aquilini, who jumped the gun faster than you can say, “Wanna come back to my place?” In this case, “come back to my place” is a euphamism for “I’m firing your ass” with one year left in his contract.

 

What.

 

The.

 

Fuck.

 

(The situation is so bad, it doesn’t deserve proper punctuation.)

 

Could Burkie come back? Could QUINN? Can Tamby finally grab the reins?

 

No way, my children, says Aquilini. What I will do for you is hire Naslund’s [former] agent, Mike Gillis. And you shall rejoice, because now you have a new reason to drink.

 

Drink we did, but it wasn’t to celebrate. We did, however, give The Gallery a lot of business that night.

 

Welcome to the gong show, Vancouver. Yet again. Aquilini shit the bed and threw the turds at us.

“We have to be tenacious about it.” That pretty much sums up the experience of being an American hockey fan (minus, of course, Minny, New York, and possibly Detroit). Oh, and apparently Atlanta did a great job with the ASG—but who the fuck watched the ASG?

 

More marketing questions: Why can’t the NHL get more coverage in the states? Lack of marketability, of course! What’s the solution? More arrogant assholes. That means Avery, you’re up.

 

And now NHLPA Exec Paul Kelly doesn’t think that the NHL is going to pull off its European season-openers. His words? “The NHL put the cart before the horse.” I heard that in a Feist song.

 

When will the Foppa rumours stop? When someone dies. The same might be applied to Fabian Brunnstrom and Mats Sundin, who are rumoured to be getting some heavy interest from the Canucks. Sundin would be glorious, if only to confuse an already-confused Bob Cole.

 

Brent Butt, you glorious guy.

 

“I guess it turns out Ohlund is a better NHL defenceman than I am. So you can stop arguing, everybody.” —Comedian Brent Butt, of Corner Gas, after Mattias Ohlund scored during Butt’s cameo on a Vancouver Canucks radio broadcast.

Hahaha.

 

Is Emery era over in Ottawa?
NHL executive says nobody wants goalie’s ‘baggage’; Senators snipe about lack of work ethic

 

By BRUCE GARRIOCH

 

Ray Emery’s days with the Senators could be coming to an end.

 

One of the players hung a necktie in Emery’s place in the empty net where the backup goalie was supposed to be yesterday during practice at Scotiabank Place.

“I saw that. I didn’t put it there,” Senators centre Jason Spezza said. “I got out there late.”

 

Emery’s absence from practice, however, was no laughing matter and there’s a belief if Senators GM Bryan Murray can unload the volatile netminder, Emery will be gone.

 

The Senators have clearly become Martin Gerber’s team.

 

It was easy for the Senators yesterday to use the excuse that Emery was away because he was “sick” and insisted he’ll be there tonight to back up against the Capitals. Heck, it may have even been true, but it was just another bizarre incident invovling the goalie.

 

While there are plenty of teams who could use goaltending help, finding one willing to take Emery, his oddball behaviour and his average salary of $3.167 million US for the next two seasons won’t be easy.

 

Two teams that would have interested in Emery’s services aren’t anymore. Sources say the Kings haven’t given Emery a second thought, while the Coyotes solved their goaltending woes by picking up Ilya Bryzgalov from Anaheim on waivers earlier in the season and signing him to a contract extension.

 

Frankly: Good.

 

Emery obviously has some kind of issues, what with being a giant douchebag and all. But it looks like his teammates are sick of him being a douchebag and told him to shape up after he slept in (which was why he was dismissed from practice):

 

Emery’s teammates are tired of the way he has been acting and he knows it. He has been showing up late, leaving practice early and hasn’t been working hard enough to get back in the net. It’s believed that message was conveyed in the meeting.

 

“We talked about it,” said captain Daniel Alfredsson. “We just wanted to make sure everybody knew what was going on.”

 

 

Granted, the media hypes things up way too much, but I would really love it if this came true, mostly because I think that Emery is probably a huge cancer in the locker room. From what I’ve read of him in the press and from interviews, he has a difficult time owning up to his mistakes (Maxim Lapierre, anyone? Three games is light for hitting a guy in the face with a piece of wood), he’s stubborn, he’s arrogant, and he doesn’t put the team first.

 

“I don’t know why I’m not motivated right now, but it’s got to change.”

 

Funny, that’s the excuse I use when I have PMS.